Five Ways to Improve the Entitlement Syndrome

Are parents today spoiling their kids? There seems to be a never-ending discussion today about the entitlement syndrome, spoiled kids, and inflated self-esteem. Concern for younger generations has increased because narcissistic behavior has become far too common. In some cases, parents believe their generation is the most spoiled yet, and they want the tide to change with their children. Rather than continuing the discussion about everything that’s wrong with young people and all the ways parents develop attitudes of entitlement, here is a positive approach to the topic. Consider these five traits that we should admire. Parents can approach these as traits to instill in their children, and kids can approach them as virtues to value and develop.

1. Earn something by working hard to get it. Don’t expect everything to be given to you, and don’t give to children who refuse to earn anything. In the real world, we get what we earn because the handouts eventually run out. We perform a disservice to our children when we cultivate a belief that everything is free. In addition, we rob children of the satisfying joy one feels when they acquire something from hard work. Feelings of entitlement makes one feel unimportant and incapable when the handouts cease. Acquiring the virtue of a hard work ethic not only complies with a biblical command (2 Thess. 3:10), it also strengthens one psychologically.

2. Contribute to the family. Everyone needs to pitch in and help in some way. While it may be the parent’s duty to pay the bills and cook the meals, no one should get a free ride. This is not to suggest that children should be required to pay their parents for room and board, but it is suggesting that children should contribute to make the family function. This begins as soon as children are old enough to pick up their toys, and it continues when they are able to help rake the yard or drive to the store and pick up a gallon of milk. Narcissists don’t contribute; they mooch. We don’t have to worry about kids becoming self-centered if they grow up contributing to the team.

3. Donate your time to help others. We all love our free time, our hobbies, and our entertainment. If we are not careful, our homes could become houses of self-centered occupants who rarely operate beyond self-gratifying behavior. Everyone should be a giving person, but it’s critical to remember that we are not truly giving people if we give without sacrifice. Learning this personal discipline begins with donating one’s time. Helping your kids become involved in ministry or charity work is honorable, but giving time should begin at home. Children should help mom and dad, siblings, and friends. Watch for warning signs such as inflexibility or a refusal to be inconvenienced in any way. Children need to learn that their time has not been given to them solely for their self-appointed enjoyment. Christians surrender their time to God to be spent as servants of Christ. Our kids need to learn this early.

4. Solve problems yourself. Kids don’t need to be bailed out every time; they need to learn to work out problems on their own. We need our kids to grow strong, not dependent. If we don’t permit our children take the knowledge we have taught them, apply it to their own problems, and work out a solution themselves, how can we expect them to function independently when they are adults? It’s not always easy to back off, but it’s productive. When you must intervene because the problem exceeds your child’s ability, intervene only as little as possible. Stay on the sidelines and coach as much as you can, but let the kids play the game. Wise parents teach problem-solving skills rather than solve all the problems themselves.

5. Be content when you don’t get everything you want. To not have it your way, right away, almost seems un-American. But it’s reality. Children need to learn contentment or they will never experience happiness as adults. They need to learn to be content even when the answer is “no.” That is a lesson they will never learn if they never hear “no.” When deciding whether to answer “yes” or “no,” consider their health, that is, their spiritual and emotional health. Are they acquiring an attitude of discontentment? Are they struggling to enjoy life that cannot be customized according to their every individual preference? This doesn’t reflect an emotionally strong kid. Perhaps they need to be given some time to adjust to reality, learning how to enjoy life when they don’t get everything they want.

 Let’s take a positive approach to parenting and childhood. Rather than worrying over the many possible negative outcomes that we dread, take more thought about how to proactively initiate traits that will develop character. Acquire a hard work ethic, contribute to the team, make sacrifices, develop problem-solving skills, and learn to be content. Children with these traits are much more likely to grow into emotionally strong, healthy adults who are equipped to face all of life’s spiritual battles.

The Value of Study Partners

“What can I do to make better grades?” When answering this often asked question, we first focus on study skills. If you are not already using the help of another person to study, finding a study partner may make a considerable difference. When students have to verbalize their answers to another person, the experience resembles the test taking experience much better than studying alone. The accountability provides a much better test practice scenario, and it gives the student a better assessment of their actual level of preparedness for the test.

Who is the best study partner? For many reasons, mom or dad do the best at getting the job done. You can read about the reasons why in "Why Parents Make the Best Study Partners," but the main reason involves the motivation parents have in making sure their children do well in school. If a parent is not available, siblings and friends can be effective study partners. As long as study partners are advanced enough to read the material and check their partners’ accuracy, they can help.

Study partners have to be responsible enough to thoroughly work together until the content is learned. For example, two students may be quizzing each other with their study guides for a history test. If a student misses a question, the partner needs to repeat the question periodically until it is answered correctly. If partners are helping each other with math problems, they need to be willing to stick with the task until each partner fully understands and works the problems alone. Study partners need to do more than give advise; they need to help each other until problems can be performed independently.

Students of all ages can benefit from partnerships, but younger children may require more instruction and supervision. For instance, third graders may need instructions like, “Quiz each other with multiplication flash cards; switch once someone has answered correctly ten times; both of you must complete six rounds each.” Older students who are already acquainted with rigorous, Christian school academics know how to study for the test, but they may need supervision to make sure time is used wisely.

Partners need to learn how to give clues before simply giving away an answer. They should help each other think of cues and mnemonics to help them remember difficult content. This is how the Guinness World Records holder, Chao Lu, memorized over 67,000 digits of pi. The sillier the association or cue, the better students will remember them.

Research reveals that students who study with a parent outperform those who study alone, but the research also reveals that students who perform the best study with a parent and a peer. Perhaps it’s time to increase your use of study partners.

Are Our Kids Too Busy?

There are two opposing thoughts about this topic. Many believe that children today are far too busy with school, sports teams, clubs, music lessons, and several other afterschool activities. Others believe the enrichment and physical exercise children receive from these activities are very important to their development. It’s critical for children to develop their skills and natural talents with some of these activities, but how much is too much? We don’t want our kids so busy that they experience an unhealthy amount of stress. Here are some suggestions for determining if your kid is too busy:

• They exhibit signs of fatigue or undergo personality changes. The problem may not be just a lack of sleep, even though a lack of sleep can be a big problem. Too many activities create stress, and that creates personality problems. A typically enthusiastic child can become lethargic. Uncommon mood swings or signs of depression may begin to occur. As parents, it’s our job to notice the signs of childhood stress and demand some changes. Kids want to have it all – sports, music, honors classes, karate, afterschool camps, and in their spare time, horse riding lessons. Parents have to intervene and make wise choices for them.
• They hardly engage in free play. Part of a child’s development used to result from playing in the backyard, inviting friends over to the house, or just engaging with the neighborhood kids. Free play, not organized activities, allowed kids to learn how to sort out relationship issues, be creative, discover nature around them, relieve stress, and entertain themselves. A large part of free play has been replaced by organized activities. Although these activities may provide a great way for kids to develop their abilities and interests, they can be overscheduled and rob children of natural learning experiences.
• They need you to constantly entertain them. Overscheduled children become used to following the orders of an instructor who organizes every hour of their day. Children can become so accustomed to the agenda in a sports practice or an organized activity, they become dependent upon adults to always tell them what to do. When kids show signs of parental over-dependence, it’s time to expose them more to other kids in an unstructured setting.
•  They experience too much car time, and not enough family dinnertime. What is the norm in your family, eating in the car as you drive from one activity to another, or sitting down with everyone for a family meal? Kids eventually come to an age – usually older teenagers – when they are more apt to handle busy schedules and the demands of sports teams or fine arts activities. Don’t let your kids grow up too early. Ask the parents of a teenager who is involved in extracurricular activities. There are many days they wish they could sit down together as a family and enjoy a meal together, but the demands of the schedule don’t permit it as often as they wish. Seize the days you have with your children. When they become teens, there’s no turning back.
•  They see a drop in their test grades. Difficulty in school should not demand that children drop all extracurricular involvement, but school performance needs to be a priority. If extracurricular activities rob students of quality study time or reasonable bedtimes, you can expect them to struggle academically. In these cases, parents need to initiate some changes that properly balance school and extracurricular activities. 

The solution is not to drop all afterschool activities and limit your children to backyard play only. Stopping all participation so your child can sit in front of the television for several hours every afternoon is certainly not recommended. Participation in extracurricular outlets offers profitable ways to enrich your child; but over-scheduling defeats the purpose and causes harm. As parents, we need to be observant about how our children’s participation affects them and the rest of the family. Obviously, children have only one childhood to experience. Let’s help them enjoy it rather than over-schedule it.

Build Happy Kids: Bury Perfectionism

"The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement."  – George Will

Life isn’t perfect. How many times did our parents and teachers tell us that? We try to teach our kids the same lesson, but the drama increases when we are dealing with a perfectionist. A kid who thinks every situation in life must be flawless stands no chance of enjoying a happy childhood or adult life.

A perfectionist cannot settle for “good enough.” It has to be perfect – a condition that he determines.  It’s all or nothing.  Even if she has done her best, a “B+” will not suffice when an “A” exists. If he can’t ride his bike faster than everyone in the neighborhood, he’s not going to ride at all. If she can’t be the best on the team, she doesn’t want to even try out. The perfectionist will be the first to notice a flaw, and he’ll want to correct it right away.

The perfectionists’ taste for quality is commendable, and this child’s ambition will benefit him later in life (He may become a successful CEO, business owner, or principal). But many unnecessary disappointments and missed opportunities also lie ahead if the perfectionist’s expectations have not been trimmed down. Here are some thoughts to consider while guiding your young perfectionists.

Teach Flexibility

Don’t let children walk away from good opportunities because the situation is not perfect. Flexibility is a trait they’ll need the rest of their lives. The deception in perfectionism is that life is happier if it’s done exactly “my” way. However, that’s not the way life really works. Imagine someone who walks away from people, straining relationships merely because he sees flaws in other people. No happy ending exists there. 

Flexibility can be taught in everyday situations. Don’t feed perfectionism; it only makes the attitude worse. If she throws a temper tantrum because she wanted the pink dress instead of the purple one, stand your ground. Don’t give in. The parent and child will be happier down the road if you fight the battles early.

Set Realistic Expectations

Some children place unnecessary stress on themselves because their expectations are too high. When a child thinks everything has to be perfect, he is destined for disappointment. In worst-case scenarios, children experience physical ills (i.e. headaches, shortness of breath) due to their self-imposed stress. In other cases, kids want to quit because the task turned out to be more difficult than they imagined.

Help your child set realistic goals. Aim for gradual improvements rather than an immediate jump to the top of the class. Whether the venue is school grades, karate class, soccer team, or another childhood interest, show them that you value their great efforts. Direct them to focus more on what you value (perseverance), not their self-imposed goals. It will also help deter them from stressing themselves or just quitting altogether.

Mind your Example

Some perfectionists learn these traits honestly -- from their parents. When parents confuse mountains and molehills, expect children to have difficulty taming their expectations. When everything at home is high stakes, the stress level in the home will be highly unhealthy. If spilling a glass of milk causes the same reaction out of mom or dad as disobedience, what type of message has been sent to the kids? Must everything be perfect? Can honest mistakes ever be made without the death penalty being issued?

Be commended for aiming high for your kids, but don’t confuse perfectionism with high standards. Aiming high is expecting children to make a mess, and then expecting them to clean it up. Perfectionism emerges when nothing is permitted because it might go wrong.

Everyone has preferences, but the perfectionist lacks flexibility. Everyone has molehills to cross, but the perfectionist only sees mountains. Our goal should not be to convert our ambitious perfectionist into an indifferent bystander. Let’s help them trim their expectations for life, steering their natural drive into something realistic.

When Should Parents Back Off?

Should I get involved or let it go? When our kids deal with problems, we have a choice to make. We want life to be a smooth ride for them, but we also know they need to learn to handle problem on their own. Here are some questions you could ask yourself to determine if you should get involved or back off, or a little of both.

1. Would I help my child more if I coached him rather than play for him? If you have ever watched your child play sports, then you understand the feeling of wishing you could get out there and do it for him. But if we always do it for them, they never develop the skills needed in life. No one is saying this will be easy for the parents. You will have to resist every urge to jump in and take over. A take-over can often be a selfish act on the part of a parent. It robs the child of the opportunity to grow. This constitutes one of those moments when parenting takes restraint and selflessness -- doing what is best for the child, not the parent -- no matter how emotionally uncomfortable it may be for the parent.

2. Should I be protecting or teaching? At times, we must step in and protect -- physically, spiritually, or emotionally. However, there are times when we should teach. Carefully consider the case to see if protection is more appropriate. Do they need to be shielded or taught to fight (figuratively speaking)? If we over-react, we could miss a great opportunity to help our children grow stronger. Never do for your child what you can teach them to do for themselves. At the same time, be mindful of their limits, not expecting them to solve problems far too advanced for them. Sometimes, they need us to protect them behind the scenes while we send them out to fight the way we trained them.

3. Am I expressing love or building dependence? Parents express love to their children by giving. You give them time, compassion, food, clothing, shelter, and even a lot of things they probably don't need. The danger comes when our giving undercuts our ability to teach responsibility. Giving must have its limits. For children to learn traits like contentment, a hard work ethic, and initiative, there must come a point when they stop expecting someone else to give what they can gain for themselves. Never stop loving, just make sure it doesn't feed dependence. 

4. Should I comfort or defend my child? Sometimes, kids need a shoulder to cry on, not a superhero to squash their problems. Kids need a home to be a rock in their life. Stable and dependable, mom and dad can always be relied on to provide security when they get home. This is what helps kids battle through disappointments, personality conflicts, and difficult tasks. To feel secure, children need their parents’ love, not a perfect world.

5. Will I create more drama or solve a problem by getting involved? When it comes to childhood friendships, consider this principle: stay out of squabbling, and bust up bullying. Too many parents get involved in their children’s peer-to-peer conflicts, creating more drama in a situation that would have resolved itself on its own. Usually, providing a little counsel on how to help your child resolve a conflict would help it pass quickly. When it comes to bullying, your child needs more than advice on how to handle the situation. He needs your intervention.

6. Should I add accountability as I grant more freedom? Children should be given more freedom because they have earned it. As they mature, give them more privileges, but never trust their flesh. Even the most mature Christian adult needs accountability. Look at the websites they surf, check up on their grades at school, talk to them about conduct you observe, and place restrictions on the TV. These are all examples of supervision that keep kids accountable. When they know you are engaged in their life, it keeps them honest.  Supervision is a parent’s biblical obligation that should never be negated. If you trust your child to do the right thing, it should be because you are holding them accountable.

In summary, parents should never back off loving, comforting, instructing, supervising, and protecting their children. At the same time, the more we can take the role of a navigator, the more we’ll be able to steer them to a life of responsibility and resilience.

Is A Child's Intelligence Fixed?

Do you believe intelligence is fixed, or do you believe something can be done to change it? How students answer that question largely predicts how successful they will be in school. When someone believes that they can learn a new skill or improve the skills they already have, their effort levels rise far above those who believe their skills and talents are fixed. The term often used here is “growth mindset.” Developing a growth mindset starts the process of improving your intelligence.

Numerous studies confirm that students who believe they can improve their intelligence perform better than students who believe their intelligence is fixed. A popular study by Carol Dweck from Stanford University illustrated how a student’s attitude about intelligence influences school success. Some students received instruction about how to expand their intelligence while others received basic instruction in study skills. Those who received instruction in intelligence theory outperformed those who were taught only study skills. When students believe it’s possible to improve, their probability of success burgeons.

As you supervise your students, here are some suggestions to help them develop the proper mindset for fostering growth:

1. Be careful to not inadvertently give students an excuse to stop trying. Language like “I was always bad at math” and “Your lack of spelling skills comes from your father” can discourage a student from trying harder. Children could begin to think, “If mom and dad were bad at it, then I have no chance of getting better.”

2. Be careful to not label your students in a way that makes them feel like their talents and skills are fixed. “Your sister is musical but you’re athletic” can inadvertently send the wrong message. Do you mean to communicate that athletic people cannot be good musicians or that good musicians cannot improve athletically? It’s true that children are born with definite natural talents, but they can still improve their weak areas.

3. Convey high expectations for your children. Accept no excuses for a lack of effort. Develop a study plan. Talk about successful people and how they acquired their success. Don’t do for them what they can do for themselves. Each of these actions directly or indirectly conveys that you know they can do well and you expect them to perform. On a similar note, resist the temptation to praise children for accomplishing simple tasks. Children perceptively sense your low opinion of them and feel insulted.

4. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage. Why should they believe they can do it if they don’t think their parents or teachers believe they can do it? The encouragement can be especially timely when students do their best, but their best reaps failure. Remind them that every successful person faces setbacks. Remind them that Thomas Edison’s invention of the light bulb took over 1,000 attempts, and his invention of the phonograph came three weeks after his million-dollar laboratory burned to the ground. Encourage students to learn from what they did wrong and improve, not quit.

5. Don’t allow them to overload themselves. Children can mount some unreal expectations for themselves. It’s not realistic to believe you can be a star athlete, musical prodigy, national student scholar, and Cub Scout of the year. Herein lies the reason God gave children parents: to guide them. Help them prioritize. Help them develop a realistic game plan for improving their academics. Help them develop a proper perspective for realistic growth.

While we are all born with varying degrees and types of intelligence, we all can improve. Improvement, however, begins with a proper mindset of growth. We should begin helping our students grow by teaching that intellectual growth begins with their desire, not their ability.

Five Reasons Why Every Kid Should Be In Church

When Christ commanded, “Suffer the children, forbid them not, to come unto me,” He reacted to disciples who thought Christ was too important for children. Today, many parents don’t think bringing children to Christ is important enough. Sports activities, family reunions, mini-vacations, and more seem to keep families from consistent church attendance. For centuries it’s been a tradition for people of faith to attend church and people who are not committed to their faith to stay home or pursue some other interest. Today, it’s not uncommon to hear that people who consider themselves followers of God commonly follow their self-interests on the Lord’s Day – Sunday. If parents cannot find motivation to attend church for their own spiritual welfare, we’ll provide some reasons why every kid should be in church every Sunday.

1.  Honoring God with the first day of the week teaches the proper priorities of life. When we consecrate the first day of the week to corporate worship, we take the first step toward consecrating the entire week toward personal worship. This concept applies to children just like adults, only on an elementary level. Why should children care about obeying God’s commands, like “Children obey your parents,” when He’s not important enough to worship on His day.

2. Church attendance teaches children dedication to something other than their self-interests. Unfortunately, the Lord’s Day has been replaced with a day off of work to do whatever families please. This sends the message that dedication to self exceeds the value of worship. It’s difficult enough teaching kids they are not the center of the universe. Self-esteem psychology has become America’s childhood religion. Everything marketed to kids preaches the idea that what they want matters more than anything else. When parents make church the family’s number one interest on Sunday, kids learn there’s a High Power whose interests overshadow any child’s or adult’s.

3. Church attendance teaches children a religious discipline that needs to be developed early. From a carnal perspective, who wouldn’t rather accept an invitation to a sporting event or feast at a backyard cookout on Sunday? No one has to be tempted to choose instant gratification over spiritual growth. Our flesh already desires that, but when we grab for things that offer instant gratification rather than Sunday worship, we forfeit something that counts for eternity. Likewise, we fail to teach our children habits that benefit them for years to come.

4. Church attendance teaches children what is important to mom and dad. Understand that church attendance does not stand alone as a spiritual issue. Spiritual issues rise and fall together. If someone cannot be faithful to church, it’s unlikely that they are solid in other areas of their spiritual life. If you want your children to believe you value other spiritual matters (e.g. purity, kindness, work ethic, honesty), show them by taking them to worship on Sunday. Mom and dad should be the worship leaders in the home, and their leadership starts with modeling.

5. Church attendance teaches children what types of associations benefit them. Children benefit from fellowship with other families and teaching from Christian leaders. As they observe the body of Christ engage in missions, benevolence, and service, children learn what Christian fellowship entails.

Nothing has been mentioned yet about all the reasons why adults should attend church. The command to attend the assemblies of believers (Heb. 10:25), to learn from God’s servants (Eph. 4:11), and to worship corporately (Eph. 5:19) should land every Christian adult in church on Sunday morning. And if there was not biblical command, the spiritual benefits abound. The same applies to our children. Jesus’s parents took Him to church, and He didn’t even need it. We have no excuse.