Build Happy Kids: Bury Perfectionism

"The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement."  – George Will

Life isn’t perfect. How many times did our parents and teachers tell us that? We try to teach our kids the same lesson, but the drama increases when we are dealing with a perfectionist. A kid who thinks every situation in life must be flawless stands no chance of enjoying a happy childhood or adult life.

A perfectionist cannot settle for “good enough.” It has to be perfect – a condition that he determines.  It’s all or nothing.  Even if she has done her best, a “B+” will not suffice when an “A” exists. If he can’t ride his bike faster than everyone in the neighborhood, he’s not going to ride at all. If she can’t be the best on the team, she doesn’t want to even try out. The perfectionist will be the first to notice a flaw, and he’ll want to correct it right away.

The perfectionists’ taste for quality is commendable, and this child’s ambition will benefit him later in life (He may become a successful CEO, business owner, or principal). But many unnecessary disappointments and missed opportunities also lie ahead if the perfectionist’s expectations have not been trimmed down. Here are some thoughts to consider while guiding your young perfectionists.

Teach Flexibility

Don’t let children walk away from good opportunities because the situation is not perfect. Flexibility is a trait they’ll need the rest of their lives. The deception in perfectionism is that life is happier if it’s done exactly “my” way. However, that’s not the way life really works. Imagine someone who walks away from people, straining relationships merely because he sees flaws in other people. No happy ending exists there. 

Flexibility can be taught in everyday situations. Don’t feed perfectionism; it only makes the attitude worse. If she throws a temper tantrum because she wanted the pink dress instead of the purple one, stand your ground. Don’t give in. The parent and child will be happier down the road if you fight the battles early.

Set Realistic Expectations

Some children place unnecessary stress on themselves because their expectations are too high. When a child thinks everything has to be perfect, he is destined for disappointment. In worst-case scenarios, children experience physical ills (i.e. headaches, shortness of breath) due to their self-imposed stress. In other cases, kids want to quit because the task turned out to be more difficult than they imagined.

Help your child set realistic goals. Aim for gradual improvements rather than an immediate jump to the top of the class. Whether the venue is school grades, karate class, soccer team, or another childhood interest, show them that you value their great efforts. Direct them to focus more on what you value (perseverance), not their self-imposed goals. It will also help deter them from stressing themselves or just quitting altogether.

Mind your Example

Some perfectionists learn these traits honestly -- from their parents. When parents confuse mountains and molehills, expect children to have difficulty taming their expectations. When everything at home is high stakes, the stress level in the home will be highly unhealthy. If spilling a glass of milk causes the same reaction out of mom or dad as disobedience, what type of message has been sent to the kids? Must everything be perfect? Can honest mistakes ever be made without the death penalty being issued?

Be commended for aiming high for your kids, but don’t confuse perfectionism with high standards. Aiming high is expecting children to make a mess, and then expecting them to clean it up. Perfectionism emerges when nothing is permitted because it might go wrong.

Everyone has preferences, but the perfectionist lacks flexibility. Everyone has molehills to cross, but the perfectionist only sees mountains. Our goal should not be to convert our ambitious perfectionist into an indifferent bystander. Let’s help them trim their expectations for life, steering their natural drive into something realistic.

When Should Parents Back Off?

Should I get involved or let it go? When our kids deal with problems, we have a choice to make. We want life to be a smooth ride for them, but we also know they need to learn to handle problem on their own. Here are some questions you could ask yourself to determine if you should get involved or back off, or a little of both.

1. Would I help my child more if I coached him rather than play for him? If you have ever watched your child play sports, then you understand the feeling of wishing you could get out there and do it for him. But if we always do it for them, they never develop the skills needed in life. No one is saying this will be easy for the parents. You will have to resist every urge to jump in and take over. A take-over can often be a selfish act on the part of a parent. It robs the child of the opportunity to grow. This constitutes one of those moments when parenting takes restraint and selflessness -- doing what is best for the child, not the parent -- no matter how emotionally uncomfortable it may be for the parent.

2. Should I be protecting or teaching? At times, we must step in and protect -- physically, spiritually, or emotionally. However, there are times when we should teach. Carefully consider the case to see if protection is more appropriate. Do they need to be shielded or taught to fight (figuratively speaking)? If we over-react, we could miss a great opportunity to help our children grow stronger. Never do for your child what you can teach them to do for themselves. At the same time, be mindful of their limits, not expecting them to solve problems far too advanced for them. Sometimes, they need us to protect them behind the scenes while we send them out to fight the way we trained them.

3. Am I expressing love or building dependence? Parents express love to their children by giving. You give them time, compassion, food, clothing, shelter, and even a lot of things they probably don't need. The danger comes when our giving undercuts our ability to teach responsibility. Giving must have its limits. For children to learn traits like contentment, a hard work ethic, and initiative, there must come a point when they stop expecting someone else to give what they can gain for themselves. Never stop loving, just make sure it doesn't feed dependence. 

4. Should I comfort or defend my child? Sometimes, kids need a shoulder to cry on, not a superhero to squash their problems. Kids need a home to be a rock in their life. Stable and dependable, mom and dad can always be relied on to provide security when they get home. This is what helps kids battle through disappointments, personality conflicts, and difficult tasks. To feel secure, children need their parents’ love, not a perfect world.

5. Will I create more drama or solve a problem by getting involved? When it comes to childhood friendships, consider this principle: stay out of squabbling, and bust up bullying. Too many parents get involved in their children’s peer-to-peer conflicts, creating more drama in a situation that would have resolved itself on its own. Usually, providing a little counsel on how to help your child resolve a conflict would help it pass quickly. When it comes to bullying, your child needs more than advice on how to handle the situation. He needs your intervention.

6. Should I add accountability as I grant more freedom? Children should be given more freedom because they have earned it. As they mature, give them more privileges, but never trust their flesh. Even the most mature Christian adult needs accountability. Look at the websites they surf, check up on their grades at school, talk to them about conduct you observe, and place restrictions on the TV. These are all examples of supervision that keep kids accountable. When they know you are engaged in their life, it keeps them honest.  Supervision is a parent’s biblical obligation that should never be negated. If you trust your child to do the right thing, it should be because you are holding them accountable.

In summary, parents should never back off loving, comforting, instructing, supervising, and protecting their children. At the same time, the more we can take the role of a navigator, the more we’ll be able to steer them to a life of responsibility and resilience.

Is A Child's Intelligence Fixed?

Do you believe intelligence is fixed, or do you believe something can be done to change it? How students answer that question largely predicts how successful they will be in school. When someone believes that they can learn a new skill or improve the skills they already have, their effort levels rise far above those who believe their skills and talents are fixed. The term often used here is “growth mindset.” Developing a growth mindset starts the process of improving your intelligence.

Numerous studies confirm that students who believe they can improve their intelligence perform better than students who believe their intelligence is fixed. A popular study by Carol Dweck from Stanford University illustrated how a student’s attitude about intelligence influences school success. Some students received instruction about how to expand their intelligence while others received basic instruction in study skills. Those who received instruction in intelligence theory outperformed those who were taught only study skills. When students believe it’s possible to improve, their probability of success burgeons.

As you supervise your students, here are some suggestions to help them develop the proper mindset for fostering growth:

1. Be careful to not inadvertently give students an excuse to stop trying. Language like “I was always bad at math” and “Your lack of spelling skills comes from your father” can discourage a student from trying harder. Children could begin to think, “If mom and dad were bad at it, then I have no chance of getting better.”

2. Be careful to not label your students in a way that makes them feel like their talents and skills are fixed. “Your sister is musical but you’re athletic” can inadvertently send the wrong message. Do you mean to communicate that athletic people cannot be good musicians or that good musicians cannot improve athletically? It’s true that children are born with definite natural talents, but they can still improve their weak areas.

3. Convey high expectations for your children. Accept no excuses for a lack of effort. Develop a study plan. Talk about successful people and how they acquired their success. Don’t do for them what they can do for themselves. Each of these actions directly or indirectly conveys that you know they can do well and you expect them to perform. On a similar note, resist the temptation to praise children for accomplishing simple tasks. Children perceptively sense your low opinion of them and feel insulted.

4. Encourage, Encourage, Encourage. Why should they believe they can do it if they don’t think their parents or teachers believe they can do it? The encouragement can be especially timely when students do their best, but their best reaps failure. Remind them that every successful person faces setbacks. Remind them that Thomas Edison’s invention of the light bulb took over 1,000 attempts, and his invention of the phonograph came three weeks after his million-dollar laboratory burned to the ground. Encourage students to learn from what they did wrong and improve, not quit.

5. Don’t allow them to overload themselves. Children can mount some unreal expectations for themselves. It’s not realistic to believe you can be a star athlete, musical prodigy, national student scholar, and Cub Scout of the year. Herein lies the reason God gave children parents: to guide them. Help them prioritize. Help them develop a realistic game plan for improving their academics. Help them develop a proper perspective for realistic growth.

While we are all born with varying degrees and types of intelligence, we all can improve. Improvement, however, begins with a proper mindset of growth. We should begin helping our students grow by teaching that intellectual growth begins with their desire, not their ability.

Five Reasons Why Every Kid Should Be In Church

When Christ commanded, “Suffer the children, forbid them not, to come unto me,” He reacted to disciples who thought Christ was too important for children. Today, many parents don’t think bringing children to Christ is important enough. Sports activities, family reunions, mini-vacations, and more seem to keep families from consistent church attendance. For centuries it’s been a tradition for people of faith to attend church and people who are not committed to their faith to stay home or pursue some other interest. Today, it’s not uncommon to hear that people who consider themselves followers of God commonly follow their self-interests on the Lord’s Day – Sunday. If parents cannot find motivation to attend church for their own spiritual welfare, we’ll provide some reasons why every kid should be in church every Sunday.

1.  Honoring God with the first day of the week teaches the proper priorities of life. When we consecrate the first day of the week to corporate worship, we take the first step toward consecrating the entire week toward personal worship. This concept applies to children just like adults, only on an elementary level. Why should children care about obeying God’s commands, like “Children obey your parents,” when He’s not important enough to worship on His day.

2. Church attendance teaches children dedication to something other than their self-interests. Unfortunately, the Lord’s Day has been replaced with a day off of work to do whatever families please. This sends the message that dedication to self exceeds the value of worship. It’s difficult enough teaching kids they are not the center of the universe. Self-esteem psychology has become America’s childhood religion. Everything marketed to kids preaches the idea that what they want matters more than anything else. When parents make church the family’s number one interest on Sunday, kids learn there’s a High Power whose interests overshadow any child’s or adult’s.

3. Church attendance teaches children a religious discipline that needs to be developed early. From a carnal perspective, who wouldn’t rather accept an invitation to a sporting event or feast at a backyard cookout on Sunday? No one has to be tempted to choose instant gratification over spiritual growth. Our flesh already desires that, but when we grab for things that offer instant gratification rather than Sunday worship, we forfeit something that counts for eternity. Likewise, we fail to teach our children habits that benefit them for years to come.

4. Church attendance teaches children what is important to mom and dad. Understand that church attendance does not stand alone as a spiritual issue. Spiritual issues rise and fall together. If someone cannot be faithful to church, it’s unlikely that they are solid in other areas of their spiritual life. If you want your children to believe you value other spiritual matters (e.g. purity, kindness, work ethic, honesty), show them by taking them to worship on Sunday. Mom and dad should be the worship leaders in the home, and their leadership starts with modeling.

5. Church attendance teaches children what types of associations benefit them. Children benefit from fellowship with other families and teaching from Christian leaders. As they observe the body of Christ engage in missions, benevolence, and service, children learn what Christian fellowship entails.

Nothing has been mentioned yet about all the reasons why adults should attend church. The command to attend the assemblies of believers (Heb. 10:25), to learn from God’s servants (Eph. 4:11), and to worship corporately (Eph. 5:19) should land every Christian adult in church on Sunday morning. And if there was not biblical command, the spiritual benefits abound. The same applies to our children. Jesus’s parents took Him to church, and He didn’t even need it. We have no excuse.

Why Parents Make the Best Study Partners

All parents want their children to make good grades, and they want it to be as painless as possible. Academic success takes hard work. There are no shortcuts. There are, however, study methods that are more effective than others. One of these is the use of a study partner. It’s the best way to study for the test. Students master material in faster time and in greater depth when they have opportunities to verbalize it. Many parents have found that sending a student to the bedroom to study alone returns poor results. They find that a lot of time has been spent on a disappointing outcome. Here are a few points to argue that parents make the best study partners, no matter how old the student may be.

1. Parents are more efficient with time. When students try to study alone, time is often wasted on daydreaming, getting organized, and fighting distractions. Parents are busy and have much more to do than study for the history quiz. There’s plenty of motivation to stay focused on the task and finish in a timely manner. Parents also have the authority to remove distractions, like disruptive siblings.
2. Parents already have the responsibility to supervise their student’s academics. What better way to stay on top of your children’s study habits and test performance than to be their study partner. There will be no wondering about what material the test covered, and there will be no surprises about your student’s readiness for the test. This type of hands-on involvement gives you more insight if you need to help them improve their grades.
3. Parents have a broader knowledge of study methods than children. Some students can learn and memorize by reading. Most cannot. Many students need to “talk it out” or have it verbally recited to them. If you do not know what works best for your child, you are the person in the best position to experiment with different study methods. When you figure out what works best, you can reduce study time and stress by making sure your child uses the most profitable study methods.
4. Parents serve as the best accountability partner. Are the students writing down their assignments properly? Are they working on projects at a proper pace? Are they studying early enough rather than cramming? When a child knows he will be studying with his parents, he’s more likely to follow the procedures his parents and teachers expect.
5. Parents have the power to be a student’s best encourager and motivator. Believe it or not, every child wants his parents to be proud of him. No one motivates children like mom and dad. Remember that they care about what you care about. Likewise, they dismiss what you dismiss. The hands-on approach of studying with them communicates the high priority you have for academic success. Sometimes, students need encouragement when their test performance disappoints them. When you studied with them and you know they did their best, you are in the best position to help them gain the right perspective about the disappointment. Stress that you are mostly interested their effort, not comparisons to other students or siblings.

There will be times when the day’s demands don’t permit you to be as hands-on as you prefer. When you have to “farm out” help, make sure you ask questions, provide accountability, and communicate that academics are important to you. When you work closely with your child – supervising and motivating – you will observe your child getting the most out of their study time.