Lessons Angry Children Need to Learn

This is a classified add posted several years ago, illustrating how anger begins with hurt:

                Wedding dress for sale, never worn.

                Will trade for .38 caliber pistol.¹

Valid or not, hurt feelings pave the road toward anger. The child who feels offended will simmer in bitterness, react with anger, and eventually, if not corrected, turn rebellious. No parent wants their child to walk the path to rebellion, and dealing with the outbursts of anger can be exasperating enough. As parents, we must carefully detect signs of anger in our children. Not all anger manifests itself through overt or violent outbursts. Secrecy, withdrawal, sulking, and cynicism indicate deep seated anger problems. So how do we handle children who deal with anger issues? The parent’s task is two-fold: Teach them lessons that will help their attitude, and confront their anger in a proper way. Consider the following lessons that need to be taught:

1.  The world is not a perfect place. We don’t always get what we want. Our kids need to learn this lesson as well, but they’ll never learn if their anger manipulates adults into giving them what they want. Sometimes people mistreat us. Sometimes it’s not that we are mistreated; we just don’t get our way. Throwing a temper tantrum because she was not permitted to go to a friend’s house or because he did not get the birthday present he wanted may seem trivial in the total scheme of life, but how mom and dad react to this behavior will teach the child a life-long lesson. Children should learn to handle disappointment in life without lashing out in anger.

2.  Happiness should not depend upon me getting my way. How will kids learn that their joy should be in the Lord if their entire childhood has revolved around themselves? Good parents want to provide an enjoyable childhood for their kids, but the tendency can be to give too much. Kids need to learn that life is enjoyable while preferring others before themselves and while giving, not just receiving. How will children learn to enjoy a life of preferring others? When they are required.  Privileges should be held until a child earns them by having the right attitude. Associate good attitudes with privileges. This will help children learn the true source of happiness – godly living. Teaching this lesson can be more of a deterrent of anger than a way to handle angry behavior. Children who are less prone to have a self-centered attitude will naturally enjoy life better and be less prone to anger problems.    

3.  Authorities must be treated with respect.  Children must learn to address their grievances and disagreements in a respectful manner. A respectful tone and respectful word choice should be required. The absence of yelling and cursing does not suffice; sarcasm, scorning, and the silent treatment should not be permitted. Parents can help in two ways. First, always be willing to listen when children approach you with the right attitude at an appropriate time. Secondly, refuse to listen to a disrespectful rant. Consider the example of the Hebrew children. When they murmured and complained to God, he punished them. When Moses humbly took his frustration to God, he received instructions from God that met their needs.

4.  Anger cannot be used to gain control over people.  Don’t argue. Don’t give undue attention to anger. Don’t engage until the anger has subsided. Never yell – it’s a sign that you have lost control. Even when there needs to be consequences for a child’s angry, inappropriate behavior, shelve that conversation for a time when tempers have cooled. When angry children draw their parents into arguing, the child has gained control of the conversation. At that point, the parent’s initial instructions are no longer the focus of the conversation. Firm does not have to be loud. Calmly but firmly, instruct children to obey, reminding them that disrespectful responses has consequences.  

Dealing with angry children can be exasperating for parents, but prevention can be effective. Help children acquire the right attitudes about handling defeat, disappointment, and mistreatment. Steer their thinking toward a sovereign God who watches over His children. Help them focus on the biblical way to handle letdowns and frustrations. Life will present many opportunities to be angry; let’s teach our kids to handle themselves with discipline.

¹Taken from Swindoll’s Ultimate Book of Illustrations and Quotes

Should I Let Them Do It On Their Own?

If you have ever undergone a major medical procedure or surgery, one of your first concerns was the surgeon’s experience. How many times has he done this surgery before, and how successful have his surgeries been? The diplomas hanging on his office wall and the style of his clothes don’t impress us when he has had minimal practice or poor performance with previous patients. Doctors, depending upon their specialty, spend 3 to 8 years in internships or residence after having spent 8 years in the classroom. You may wonder, “What’s going on during these years of internship and residency?” Supervised Practice. They are performing medical procedures and prescribing treatments as a doctor but under the supervision of a higher ranking doctor. And that’s an educational practice that can be applied to all students, at every age, and on every level.

It’s been said that a new skill must be practiced 24 times in order to accomplish 80% mastery. This emphasizes what teachers have always said, “Practice makes perfect” – at least, closer to perfect than no practice at all.  But there’s a requirement that cannot be overlooked. The student must practice it correctly. If a student practices doing something the wrong way, he’ll require even more time (and frustration) trying to correct the old way of thinking and making the right way the habitual way. This illustrates why students need to perform on their own, but with supervision. As you supervise your child’s homework and studying, consider a few factors.

1.  Students haven’t mastered a skill if they cannot think independently. Good parents have high expectations for their kids and want them to excel. Sometimes, a parent’s natural tendency is to offer a little too much instruction too early. Let them try the problem at first, seeing what they remember from the teacher’s instruction. When you feel like you must assert yourself, offer guidance by asking questions. “What’s the next step?” “Where should that comma go?” “How should you spell that word?” When students can deduce and answer on their own, they’re more likely to really “get it.”

2. Student work needs to be assessed often. As it was already mentioned, practicing the wrong way produces the wrong habits. We want students to learn to think and work independently, but the lack of supervision will be counterproductive. Time spent on task cannot be confused with quality work. Some parents have been surprised by their students’ poor grades after seeing them work diligently on their assignments. Unfortunately, they were diligent at practicing the wrong thing. We have to make sure their work is correct.

3. Students need to follow the teacher’s instructions regarding assignments. Generally, teachers assign homework practice so students can develop mastery in a skill, or teachers assign study requirements to prepare students for a test or quiz. Parental help is usually welcomed for these type of assignments. But on occasion, assignments are given to provide teachers an accurate picture of their students’ understanding. Teachers need to know how well students can perform independently. That’s the true sign of whether or not they are progressing academically. Parents should be careful to not incidentally hijack the task by offering “help.” Additionally, some assignments build critical thinking skills, and students need a chance to exercise their analytical skills. They need to find their own mistakes and correct them without a parent or teacher pointing out every one. For example, when a student must complete an assignment that requires research, the purpose of the assignment involves comprehension and reasoning skills. It might be helpful for the parent or teacher to recommend books and periodicals for the student to use, but if the student does not do the reading and writing alone, the purpose of the assignment has been defeated. Be careful to follow the teacher’s requirements that accompany specific assignments.

I have heard adults jokingly tell stories about their parents’ over involvement when they were in school. Their parents completed most of the project for them because of frustration over a difficult assignment or because the assignment was going to be late. The student is always the loser in that scenario. Students need practice to improve their skills, and they need to be practicing the right way. What they really need is supervised practice.

Getting Organized Early in the Year

When we get organized and get our kids organized, the school year goes more smoothly. In the busyness of the school year, supervising homework, helping the kids study for tests, returning forms, and keeping up with all of the events and extra-curriculars can be overwhelming. Here are a few keys to smooth out the ebb and flow of the school year and stay organized:

1.  Learn the scheduling cycles. Almost everything on a school campus runs on a strict schedule. There is a certain time of the week or quarter that everything is made available: Lunch menus, test folders, grade reports, etc. There are also deadlines and requirements for returning forms, ordering products, and, especially, arriving to school on time.
2. Learn how the teacher likes to communicate. There are many ways to communicate – email, written notes, phone messages – with the teacher, but the best way to communicate to specific teachers will vary. Most teachers will announce to parents or students, depending upon their age group, the most effective way to communicate with them.
3. Learn where to find the information you need. For example, if you want to know what your elementary student has for homework, you should be able find it in the student’s planner. Teachers develop routines and procedures for almost every task; it’s important to find out their plan so you can get the information you need. Another example is your student’s current grades. Elementary classes send home weekly test folders; secondary classes send home grade reports every three weeks. But you can always get the most current grades on headmasteronline.com (there is a link to it on our school’s website). The school office sends out announcement emails almost every week. Make sure you don’t dismiss and delete them as junk mail.
4.  Organize a place at home for school stuff. Where will forms be placed so they are properly returned on time? Where will completed homework be stored so it will be turned in the next day? Think about the regular school-related tasks your kids will have at home, and develop a plan to keep “the dog from eating it.”
5. Develop an organizational plan for home, and teach it to your kids. When will they complete homework immediately after school? How will they study for the test? How will you make sure school work get done in a time efficient manner?

Organizing a plan is only half of the task; it must be implemented. Begin building habits early, make follow-through a priority, and your family will soon be in a routine that makes every school task time efficient.

Learning a Lesson From Tebow's Parents

In Through My Eyes, Tim Tebow talks about a rule his parents instituted in their home:

My parents decided that, with three boys around the house who were as competitive as we were, we had to institute a new rule. I was still young, and they were already concerned about the bragging that we were doing among ourselves. Here was the rule: we were forbidden from talking about our own accomplishments, unless asked first by someone else. If someone specifically asked us how the game went or how we played, we could answer, but we couldn’t volunteer the information.

He noted their inspiration for this new rule. It was Proverbs 27:2: “Let another man praise thee, and not thine own mouth; a stranger, and not thine own lips.” Why does God command us to refrain from boasting about ourselves? And why should our children also learn this principle?

First, we can easily fool ourselves into thinking that our accomplishments are greater than they actually are. Big mouths turn into big heads, and that only results in disappointment. Kids should learn that they are not the only ones who have accomplishments. Enjoy your success, but remember that your feats are not the only ones that matter.

Secondly, no one wants to be around a braggart. Acquiring this type of reputation is sure to alienate someone from his friends. Some gifted people lose friends almost as fast as they build popularity. No matter how great your accomplishments are, the dazzle eventually wears off and only your personality will matter to others. Let’s teach our kids character traits that will help them build healthy friendships throughout life. 

Thirdly, talking about ourselves too much traps us in a self-centered life. We don’t seem to notice them, or their difficulties. Obviously, we think about what we talk about. If we talk about ourselves too much, it’s because we think about ourselves too much. This inward self-centered focus distracts us, and in turn, detracts our attention from a world of people that God wants us to love, encourage, and edify.

Fourthly, humble people resemble Christ. Popular thought may claim that humble people get run over, but, in reality, pride always ends in destruction. It’s true that humble people will take their hits, but in the end, they win friends and influence people unlike their rivals. Egotistical people try to build their own monuments, but humble people try to build people – who are inspired enough to honor their mentors with a monument. Christ gave himself, and He changed the world. If anyone could have bragged, Christ could have. Rather, he served, and the world profited.

Professional athletes who earn the reputation of humility are a rare type. Frankly, in any profession, there are not many successful people who are humble. But Christ was humble, and He was successful. Teach your children to imitate Him.

'Tis the Reason

 Last Christmas, my six year old son asked me why Jesus was the “Glorious Impossible.” Quickly pondering how I would explain to a six year old the virgin birth, I replied, “Go ask your mother.” Frankly, I don’t remember how I got out of explaining that one. I probably explained something about how glorious it was that Christ would leave heaven to become a man and be born in a manger. Explaining the virgin birth to a six year old is difficult to tackle, but it did remind me of a task we should not avoid – teaching our children the reason for Christmas. And it needs to stick with them the rest of their lives.

A recent graduate of our Christian school told me about an encounter she had working as a cashier. After helping a customer with a purchase, she wished the customer a “Merry Christmas.” The customer exclaimed that she was very offended. “You should say ‘Happy Holidays’.” The customer even called for the manager to express how deeply she was offended by the “Merry Christmas” greeting. It pleased me to hear that the store manager also thought the customer’s complaint was ridiculous and even sent her away with a “Merry Christmas.” 

Upon hearing about the encounter, my first thought was a thankful one. Here is a graduate of our school who learned the reason for Christmas, and it stuck. But a second thought emerged. This unhappy customer participates in the traditions of Christmas and enjoys all the benefits of the Christmas season, but she rejects the reason. Does she realize there would be no enjoyable traditions were it not for Christ? Does she think that Christmas exists for our self-centered pleasures? Do our children think the same thing? They have learned the Christmas carols, and they can recite the Christmas story by heart. But have they learned that Christmas is not about them? 

Understanding the virgin birth can wait, but learning the reason for Christmas cannot. Let’s teach our children how to give like Christ gave, how to love like Christ loved, and how to worship like Christ 

deserves. 

How Do I Keep My Child From Being An Occupier?

We have seen the footage and read the reports of “Occupy Wall Street.” Disturbingly, we’ve heard about the illegal occupation of city parks, offensive speech, drug use, promiscuity, rape, destruction of property, and illegal drug use. They are protesting a supposed injustice, but their actions have moved well beyond a peaceful protest. In their actions, we observe the manifestation of a generation that stubbornly refuses to go home, get a job, and make the world a better place. They refuse to move until their demands are met, showing little regard for authority and the law. 

 This reminds me of a group of people who disapproved of their lifestyle circumstances. They were eating nutritious food they did not have to pay for or harvest themselves; they only had to go outdoors and pick it up in the morning. They complained about not having meat to eat, so God dropped edible fowls on their front door. That nation of people received freedom from slavery, absolute protection from enemies, free food, and a guide more reliable than any GPS device. Yet they ignored their blessings and murmured until God opened the earth and destroyed them in an act of divine wrath.

How do we keep our children from becoming people with an unthankful spirit, a hyper-sense of entitlement, and a lazy work ethic? It begins by teaching that responsibility=privileges, and irresponsibility=poverty. Even if the responsibility is as simple as taking out the trash, the fun doesn’t begin until the responsibilities have been completed. Watching TV, playing video games, facebooking, and other forms of entertainment are just that – entertainment. Why should a child be given new toys when she refuses to complete her homework? Why should a student be permitted to borrow the car when he fails to obey the traffic laws? When he wants a snack, we should ask, “Did you eat your supper?”

If we’re not careful, our children will fail to distinguish rights from privileges. An attitude of entitlement will develop, and that creates an unthankful, lazy attitude. Consequently, children will become so accustomed to a privileged life they don’t enjoy privileges anymore. We all want to “treat” our kids from time to time. It’s a natural way to show our kids that we love them. But we must ask ourselves, “Do they realize this is a treat?” Telling them it’s a treat doesn’t make them realize it’s a treat; they’ll only realize that mom and dad think it’s a treat. Children value privileges if their conduct earns them privileges.

The best way to keep our children from becoming occupiers one day is to keep them from “occupying” our homes now. Family members of all ages can and should contribute to the home. At the least, their contribution should be modeling good behavior. If we will teach responsibility, then our kids will more likely become leaders than occupiers.

The Danger of Saying Nothing

What’s the problem with just ignoring misbehavior? Sometimes we just don’t feel like dealing with problems. Perhaps, we’ve been battling problems all day, and the last thing we feel like doing is disciplining our child for their misbehavior. All of a sudden, we consider mountains to be molehills and molehills to be non-existent. It’s often been said, “Parenting isn’t for cowards.” We have to get over our mood and resist temptations to take the easy way out. Consequently, the outcome will always be worth the effort. It’s a type of delayed reward. Remember the folly of David’s family after he failed to confront sin? He failed to confront his son Amnon about raping his sister Tamar. What was the outcome? Two years later, David’s son Absalom murdered Amnon out of revenge for his sister. How did David respond to that crime? He never confronted Absalom about the murder. The bitterness grew over the years, and David’s son eventually tried to rob his throne. 

 Two big problems arise when we “look the other way” and fail to correct our children. First, we fail to teach proper habits. Remember that we are helping our kids build habits for the rest of their life, whether they’re good or bad. Proverbs 22:6 alludes to parents’ responsibility to help children build habits that will benefit them for a lifetime. Secondly, allowing children to escape correction gives them a false sense of God’s judgment of sin and natural consequences. Sinful behavior has its own natural consequences – poverty, broken families, depression, even death. This does not even touch the judgment of God on those who fail to accept Christ. We don’t want to indirectly teach our children that bad actions have no consequences. Our society has far too many young adults learning these lessons the hard way.

Let’s come to grips with the source of this problem. It’s parental selfishness. When we fail to correct, we are more interested in our personal comfort than our child’s well being. That’s hard to swallow. No parent wants to admit that their child’s well- being has taken a back seat. But it’s true when we become passive. Confrontation can be exasperating, and at times, we don’t feel like dealing with it. But understanding the consequences of passiveness will help us get beyond our mood and address misbehavior.

There’s no doubt that some problems are bigger than others. Not all cases require the same level of correction. First, we must determine if it’s a mountain or a molehill. Confusing the two can make a problem worse. If you treat a mountain like a molehill, it fosters unrestrained behavior and disrespect for authority. If you treat a molehill like a mountain, it could fuel resentment and distrust. Molehills still need to be addressed, but with discretion. Next, determine if the situation calls for discipline or teaching. If the behavior involves disobedience, only discipline will prevent it from happening again. Proverbs 29:15 advises, “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” I can only imagine the painful memories Solomon recalled as he was divinely inspired to teach that proverb. 

Problems don’t go away on their own; they go into hibernation. You may not like how much they’ve grown when you see them awake.

Five Ways to Teach Kids to Respect Authority

A general disrespect for authority seems to abound in our culture. Citizens distrust politicians, employees are cynical about their employers, and some even second guess the motives of local law enforcement officers. We hear news headlines of corruption and abuse, and it only fuels the belief that people in positions of authority only care about advancing themselves. Unfortunately, this common attitude of disrespect will infuse the attitudes of our kids if we don’t purposefully teach them to respect authority. After all, certain positions of authority are ordained by God and should be respected as such. So how do we teach our kids to respect authority?

1. Show them how. Model respect in front of them. When the police officer pulls you over, demonstrate respect. Refrain from grilling the pastor over Sunday dinner. Be careful to not berate your employer when you are around your kids. Be the respectful person you want your kids to be. Remember that even David felt conviction for cutting off a piece of King Saul’s garment. He embarrassed the king – an authority ordained by God. David realized that his duty was to solve his problems in a way that did not diminish the God-given authority given to Saul. It’s not always easy to model respect when we don’t think the leader is respectable. But if you will be an example of one who shows respect, you’ll like the way your kids turn out.

2. Show respect for your child’s authorities. If a teacher, Sunday school teacher, youth pastor, or other leader has done something to warrant a rebuke, speak to that person privately about the issue. Complaining about the issue to your child will only make your child less likely to respect that leader.  If mom and dad don’t respect the teacher, then why should the student?

3. Teach respect for the position, even when the person in authority fails. Scripture commands us to show respect to authority figures (e.g. Government – Romans 13; Employers – 1 Peter 2). Despite the failures of leaders, children must learn to obey those in authority. Exempting your kids from obedience because you have a personal vendetta against the person will create an attitude of contempt. Children will begin to think that obedience and respect are optional. And you will be surprised how their disrespectful attitude develops in ways never imagined – they’ll disrespect leaders you admire and respect.

4. Be consistent when enforcing rules. Inconsistency fosters feelings of insecurity; it provokes children to anger against their parents and all other authorities. Children see this kind of treatment as cruel and lacking concern. Unfortunately, perceived inconsistencies are not inconsistencies at all. Mom and Dad know details that the children don’t always know. Some siblings may have different rules because of their age. Others show maturity at different ages, thereby gaining privileges at different ages than their siblings. Sometimes finances and other family situations change the rules of the house. This is why it’s important to explain perceived inconsistencies.

5. Ban media that disrespects authority. Don’t be surprised when your children start talking like the characters they watch on television. Just because it’s made for youths doesn’t mean it’s beneficial for them. Be skeptical of children’s books that turn disrespect into humor. A lot of the music marketed for youths fosters a spirit of independence and autonomy that launches an attitude of rebellion. Make sure you are the most influential teacher to your children, not the mass media.

Children who learn how to respect authority are more likely to become authorities worth respecting. By learning to respect authority, children learn the proper role God has appointed to leaders.