An exasperated dad once told me how he instructed his son to
handle a playground conflict if it were to happen again: “If that kid throws
the basketball at your head again, punch him, and just be willing to take the
teacher’s punishment.” I’ll explain here why that’s not the best advice to give
a kid. But let’s be honest. Most of us have thought the same thing when we’ve
seen our kids get grief from one of their “friends.” Every parent has thought,
perhaps even said, that a punch in the nose would keep a bully from coming back
again. No parent wants his son to be a punching bag; but if we’re not careful,
we’ll inadvertently teach our children not to defend themselves, but, rather, to
seek revenge. Retaliation is an act of immaturity, and the mature people in a
child’s life should be helping them rise above that.
Telling a kid to punch a bully can be problematic for a few
reasons. (1) If the oppressor is bigger or stronger, your child could be in for
a walloping. (2) If your child is bigger and stronger than the other kid, he
could cause far more physical harm to the bully than you every imagined. (3)
Telling your children to hit another person who has offended them is equivalent
to telling them to unleash, rather than control, their anger – and that can
have serious repercussions. (4) Your child needs opportunities to learn controlled
self-defense rather than unhinged, angry vengeance. I’ve illustrated with
physical conflicts, but the principle also applies to verbal and other forms of
social mistreatment.
Should our children be a punching bag? No. Is it possible to
defend one’s self while behaving in a Christian manner? Absolutely. Do you
remember what Jesus Christ told His disciples to do if one of them did not own
a sword? “Let him sell his garment, and buy one” (Luke 22:36). The disciples
would be travelling from town to town, and they needed to protect themselves
from thieves. Why then, did Jesus tell Peter to put away his sword in
Gethsemane? The reason lies in the purpose and the people arresting Christ.
Christians must be prepared to suffer persecution for Christ’s sake at the
hands of evil authorities. However, it’s lawful to physically defend yourself
when an individual is oppressing you unlawfully. So rather than telling your
kid to punch someone, here’s my advice.
First, teach the difference between self-defense and
revenge. Using physical force to stop a physical assault is self-defense. Tell your child to shove them, tackle them, or
do something to keep from being harmed; the objective is to protect oneself,
not to hurt the aggressor in retaliation. Tripping someone because they tripped
you, or gossiping about someone because they gossiped about you, or punching
someone because they threw a basketball at your head is revenge.
Second, teach kids to boldly speak the truth. Some bullies
never quit because they have never been confronted with a bold, emphatic “Stop
it!” Without using insulting language and four letter words, kids may need to
tell someone, “You’re acting like a jerk, and no one wants to be around you
when you act like this!” The truth can hurt, but sometimes it needs to.
Third, teach kids when they can resolve a problem themselves
and when they should enlist an adult. The emphasis of my advice in this article
has been on how to teach kids to handle themselves when they might encounter an
occasional conflict. But children
also need to learn to report incidents to authorities and not handle major
incidents alone. If an incident involves
someone being physically harmed, bullied (consistently targeted by an aggressor),
or socially maligned, authorities need to be informed. Some childhood
conflicts will only be resolved with the assistance of an adult.
In everyday life, adults must do their best to properly
react to conflicts that they did not invite upon themselves. The best way to
become a wise responder as an adult is to learn proper responses through
childhood conflicts.
