"The pursuit of perfection often impedes improvement." – George Will
Life isn’t perfect.
How many times did our parents and teachers tell us that? We try to teach our
kids the same lesson, but the drama increases when we are dealing with a
perfectionist. A kid who thinks every situation in life must be flawless stands
no chance of enjoying a happy childhood or adult life.
A perfectionist cannot settle for “good enough.” It has to
be perfect – a condition that he determines. It’s all or nothing. Even if she has done her best, a “B+” will
not suffice when an “A” exists. If he can’t ride his bike faster than everyone
in the neighborhood, he’s not going to ride at all. If she can’t be the best on
the team, she doesn’t want to even try out. The perfectionist will be the first
to notice a flaw, and he’ll want to correct it right away.
The perfectionists’ taste for quality is commendable, and this
child’s ambition will benefit him later in life (He may become a successful
CEO, business owner, or principal). But many unnecessary disappointments and
missed opportunities also lie ahead if the perfectionist’s expectations have
not been trimmed down. Here are some thoughts to consider while guiding your young
perfectionists.
Teach Flexibility
Don’t let children walk away from good opportunities because
the situation is not perfect. Flexibility is a trait they’ll need the rest of
their lives. The deception in perfectionism is that life is happier if it’s
done exactly “my” way. However, that’s not the way life really works. Imagine
someone who walks away from people, straining relationships merely because he
sees flaws in other people. No happy ending exists there.
Flexibility can be taught in everyday situations. Don’t feed
perfectionism; it only makes the attitude worse. If she throws a temper tantrum
because she wanted the pink dress instead of the purple one, stand your ground.
Don’t give in. The parent and child will be happier down the road if you fight
the battles early.
Set Realistic
Expectations
Some children place unnecessary stress on themselves because
their expectations are too high. When a child thinks everything has to be
perfect, he is destined for disappointment. In worst-case scenarios, children
experience physical ills (i.e. headaches, shortness of breath) due to their
self-imposed stress. In other cases, kids want to quit because the task turned
out to be more difficult than they imagined.
Help your child set realistic goals. Aim for gradual
improvements rather than an immediate jump to the top of the class. Whether the
venue is school grades, karate class, soccer team, or another childhood
interest, show them that you value their great efforts. Direct them to focus
more on what you value (perseverance), not their self-imposed goals. It will
also help deter them from stressing themselves or just quitting altogether.
Mind your Example
Some perfectionists learn these traits honestly -- from
their parents. When parents confuse mountains and molehills, expect children to
have difficulty taming their expectations. When everything at home is high
stakes, the stress level in the home will be highly unhealthy. If spilling a glass
of milk causes the same reaction out of mom or dad as disobedience, what type
of message has been sent to the kids? Must everything be perfect? Can honest
mistakes ever be made without the death penalty being issued?
Be commended for aiming high for your kids, but don’t
confuse perfectionism with high standards. Aiming high is expecting children to
make a mess, and then expecting them to clean it up. Perfectionism emerges when
nothing is permitted because it might go wrong.
Everyone has preferences, but the perfectionist lacks
flexibility. Everyone has molehills to cross, but the perfectionist only sees
mountains. Our goal should not be to convert our ambitious perfectionist into
an indifferent bystander. Let’s help them trim their expectations for life, steering
their natural drive into something realistic.
