'Tis the Reason

 Last Christmas, my six year old son asked me why Jesus was the “Glorious Impossible.” Quickly pondering how I would explain to a six year old the virgin birth, I replied, “Go ask your mother.” Frankly, I don’t remember how I got out of explaining that one. I probably explained something about how glorious it was that Christ would leave heaven to become a man and be born in a manger. Explaining the virgin birth to a six year old is difficult to tackle, but it did remind me of a task we should not avoid – teaching our children the reason for Christmas. And it needs to stick with them the rest of their lives.

A recent graduate of our Christian school told me about an encounter she had working as a cashier. After helping a customer with a purchase, she wished the customer a “Merry Christmas.” The customer exclaimed that she was very offended. “You should say ‘Happy Holidays’.” The customer even called for the manager to express how deeply she was offended by the “Merry Christmas” greeting. It pleased me to hear that the store manager also thought the customer’s complaint was ridiculous and even sent her away with a “Merry Christmas.” 

Upon hearing about the encounter, my first thought was a thankful one. Here is a graduate of our school who learned the reason for Christmas, and it stuck. But a second thought emerged. This unhappy customer participates in the traditions of Christmas and enjoys all the benefits of the Christmas season, but she rejects the reason. Does she realize there would be no enjoyable traditions were it not for Christ? Does she think that Christmas exists for our self-centered pleasures? Do our children think the same thing? They have learned the Christmas carols, and they can recite the Christmas story by heart. But have they learned that Christmas is not about them? 

Understanding the virgin birth can wait, but learning the reason for Christmas cannot. Let’s teach our children how to give like Christ gave, how to love like Christ loved, and how to worship like Christ 

deserves. 

How Do I Keep My Child From Being An Occupier?

We have seen the footage and read the reports of “Occupy Wall Street.” Disturbingly, we’ve heard about the illegal occupation of city parks, offensive speech, drug use, promiscuity, rape, destruction of property, and illegal drug use. They are protesting a supposed injustice, but their actions have moved well beyond a peaceful protest. In their actions, we observe the manifestation of a generation that stubbornly refuses to go home, get a job, and make the world a better place. They refuse to move until their demands are met, showing little regard for authority and the law. 

 This reminds me of a group of people who disapproved of their lifestyle circumstances. They were eating nutritious food they did not have to pay for or harvest themselves; they only had to go outdoors and pick it up in the morning. They complained about not having meat to eat, so God dropped edible fowls on their front door. That nation of people received freedom from slavery, absolute protection from enemies, free food, and a guide more reliable than any GPS device. Yet they ignored their blessings and murmured until God opened the earth and destroyed them in an act of divine wrath.

How do we keep our children from becoming people with an unthankful spirit, a hyper-sense of entitlement, and a lazy work ethic? It begins by teaching that responsibility=privileges, and irresponsibility=poverty. Even if the responsibility is as simple as taking out the trash, the fun doesn’t begin until the responsibilities have been completed. Watching TV, playing video games, facebooking, and other forms of entertainment are just that – entertainment. Why should a child be given new toys when she refuses to complete her homework? Why should a student be permitted to borrow the car when he fails to obey the traffic laws? When he wants a snack, we should ask, “Did you eat your supper?”

If we’re not careful, our children will fail to distinguish rights from privileges. An attitude of entitlement will develop, and that creates an unthankful, lazy attitude. Consequently, children will become so accustomed to a privileged life they don’t enjoy privileges anymore. We all want to “treat” our kids from time to time. It’s a natural way to show our kids that we love them. But we must ask ourselves, “Do they realize this is a treat?” Telling them it’s a treat doesn’t make them realize it’s a treat; they’ll only realize that mom and dad think it’s a treat. Children value privileges if their conduct earns them privileges.

The best way to keep our children from becoming occupiers one day is to keep them from “occupying” our homes now. Family members of all ages can and should contribute to the home. At the least, their contribution should be modeling good behavior. If we will teach responsibility, then our kids will more likely become leaders than occupiers.

The Danger of Saying Nothing

What’s the problem with just ignoring misbehavior? Sometimes we just don’t feel like dealing with problems. Perhaps, we’ve been battling problems all day, and the last thing we feel like doing is disciplining our child for their misbehavior. All of a sudden, we consider mountains to be molehills and molehills to be non-existent. It’s often been said, “Parenting isn’t for cowards.” We have to get over our mood and resist temptations to take the easy way out. Consequently, the outcome will always be worth the effort. It’s a type of delayed reward. Remember the folly of David’s family after he failed to confront sin? He failed to confront his son Amnon about raping his sister Tamar. What was the outcome? Two years later, David’s son Absalom murdered Amnon out of revenge for his sister. How did David respond to that crime? He never confronted Absalom about the murder. The bitterness grew over the years, and David’s son eventually tried to rob his throne. 

 Two big problems arise when we “look the other way” and fail to correct our children. First, we fail to teach proper habits. Remember that we are helping our kids build habits for the rest of their life, whether they’re good or bad. Proverbs 22:6 alludes to parents’ responsibility to help children build habits that will benefit them for a lifetime. Secondly, allowing children to escape correction gives them a false sense of God’s judgment of sin and natural consequences. Sinful behavior has its own natural consequences – poverty, broken families, depression, even death. This does not even touch the judgment of God on those who fail to accept Christ. We don’t want to indirectly teach our children that bad actions have no consequences. Our society has far too many young adults learning these lessons the hard way.

Let’s come to grips with the source of this problem. It’s parental selfishness. When we fail to correct, we are more interested in our personal comfort than our child’s well being. That’s hard to swallow. No parent wants to admit that their child’s well- being has taken a back seat. But it’s true when we become passive. Confrontation can be exasperating, and at times, we don’t feel like dealing with it. But understanding the consequences of passiveness will help us get beyond our mood and address misbehavior.

There’s no doubt that some problems are bigger than others. Not all cases require the same level of correction. First, we must determine if it’s a mountain or a molehill. Confusing the two can make a problem worse. If you treat a mountain like a molehill, it fosters unrestrained behavior and disrespect for authority. If you treat a molehill like a mountain, it could fuel resentment and distrust. Molehills still need to be addressed, but with discretion. Next, determine if the situation calls for discipline or teaching. If the behavior involves disobedience, only discipline will prevent it from happening again. Proverbs 29:15 advises, “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” I can only imagine the painful memories Solomon recalled as he was divinely inspired to teach that proverb. 

Problems don’t go away on their own; they go into hibernation. You may not like how much they’ve grown when you see them awake.

Five Ways to Teach Kids to Respect Authority

A general disrespect for authority seems to abound in our culture. Citizens distrust politicians, employees are cynical about their employers, and some even second guess the motives of local law enforcement officers. We hear news headlines of corruption and abuse, and it only fuels the belief that people in positions of authority only care about advancing themselves. Unfortunately, this common attitude of disrespect will infuse the attitudes of our kids if we don’t purposefully teach them to respect authority. After all, certain positions of authority are ordained by God and should be respected as such. So how do we teach our kids to respect authority?

1. Show them how. Model respect in front of them. When the police officer pulls you over, demonstrate respect. Refrain from grilling the pastor over Sunday dinner. Be careful to not berate your employer when you are around your kids. Be the respectful person you want your kids to be. Remember that even David felt conviction for cutting off a piece of King Saul’s garment. He embarrassed the king – an authority ordained by God. David realized that his duty was to solve his problems in a way that did not diminish the God-given authority given to Saul. It’s not always easy to model respect when we don’t think the leader is respectable. But if you will be an example of one who shows respect, you’ll like the way your kids turn out.

2. Show respect for your child’s authorities. If a teacher, Sunday school teacher, youth pastor, or other leader has done something to warrant a rebuke, speak to that person privately about the issue. Complaining about the issue to your child will only make your child less likely to respect that leader.  If mom and dad don’t respect the teacher, then why should the student?

3. Teach respect for the position, even when the person in authority fails. Scripture commands us to show respect to authority figures (e.g. Government – Romans 13; Employers – 1 Peter 2). Despite the failures of leaders, children must learn to obey those in authority. Exempting your kids from obedience because you have a personal vendetta against the person will create an attitude of contempt. Children will begin to think that obedience and respect are optional. And you will be surprised how their disrespectful attitude develops in ways never imagined – they’ll disrespect leaders you admire and respect.

4. Be consistent when enforcing rules. Inconsistency fosters feelings of insecurity; it provokes children to anger against their parents and all other authorities. Children see this kind of treatment as cruel and lacking concern. Unfortunately, perceived inconsistencies are not inconsistencies at all. Mom and Dad know details that the children don’t always know. Some siblings may have different rules because of their age. Others show maturity at different ages, thereby gaining privileges at different ages than their siblings. Sometimes finances and other family situations change the rules of the house. This is why it’s important to explain perceived inconsistencies.

5. Ban media that disrespects authority. Don’t be surprised when your children start talking like the characters they watch on television. Just because it’s made for youths doesn’t mean it’s beneficial for them. Be skeptical of children’s books that turn disrespect into humor. A lot of the music marketed for youths fosters a spirit of independence and autonomy that launches an attitude of rebellion. Make sure you are the most influential teacher to your children, not the mass media.

Children who learn how to respect authority are more likely to become authorities worth respecting. By learning to respect authority, children learn the proper role God has appointed to leaders.

Bully Behavior

The topic of bullying seems to consume many schools and districts across the nation. The New Jersey schools require anti-bullying experts to investigate all complaints on campus. Several organizations have been founded to “sound the trumpet” for bullying victims and educate parents about bullying prevention. Many state legislatures have adopted new laws to curb school violence – granted some of these laws are mere crafty attempts to advance the pro-homosexual agenda. Some tragic cases, such as Columbine, have showed us what can become of those who are victims of bullying. They turn on their oppressors and even harm innocent children in their angry rage. When some view what Christian school parents and students call “bullying,” they only sneer, knowing the extreme cases that public and private, non-religious schools face. This does not, however, ease the pain of those students who feel they are consistently badgered by ruthless tormentors. 

There are four common types of bullying:

1. Social bullying. A child can be ostracized from the group. It’s possible that the whole group has a vendetta against the child, but it’s more likely that a couple leaders (bullies) in the group pressure the others in the group to not include the child.
2. Physical bullying. The severity of physical harm may vary, but all cases are a violation of the student’s rights. Some mistakenly assume that bullies torment because they have been tormented by someone else (e.g. abusive parents, siblings, neighborhood acquaintances). This is not always the case. There can be other causes for bullying, such as anger problems or insecure attitudes. 
3. Verbal bullying. A student receives consistent, verbal mockery that often makes them feel like an outcast among the group members. At the least, it robs the student of the ability to enjoy the school day.
4. Cyber bullying. In the advancement of internet social networking, bullying can now be carried into the cyber world. Rather than sharing memorable moments and catching up with friends, some use Facebook, text messaging, and other electronic communications to engage in bullying.

Helping the Oppressed:

1. Teach children that the bully’s actions result from the bully’s wrong attitudes, not the victim’s. Children need to understand that they are not in the wrong because they are unjustifiably harassed. Understanding the reasons why bullies behave the way they do – insecurity, anger, or snobbishness – may lessen the degree to which the victim suffers.
2. Teach children to talk to an adult about it. The age of the child may require you to explain, in detail, the difference between informing and “tattling.” When students are truly bullied, there should be no hesitation to talk to a school official. Is someone physically violating you? Is someone consistently taunting you about something you cannot or should not change? Is the person being vulgar or racist? Is someone damaging your property? These types of questions can help children understand that the problem lies with the bully, not the victim; and an authority needs to be informed.
3. Teach them to answer a bully. While it may seem like a good strategy to stay as far away from a bully as possible, that works only for a short time. Eventually the bully will find you. After all, he is always on a seek-and-destroy mission. Teach the child to roll with the punches. Use sarcasm to answer the bully’s ridiculous mockery. At times, laugh. Give them the go ahead to make fun of you. After all, the bully will have no motivation to bully someone who can’t be easily rattled. Additionally, these types of responses exude confidence that a bully does not want to challenge. Students can learn to answer a bully without retaliating with unkindness. Note: This in no way excuses the actions of a bully, but it can help the victim fight the inward battle that takes place when being mocked.
4. Teach them to confront the bully. Don’t answer defensively; tackle (figuratively not literally) the bully with the truth about his unkindness. “You have no business talking to me that way.” “Do you expect people to like you when you act like this?” “If you are going to be unkind, then I have no desire to be around you.” This teaches children biblical confrontation, and it also boosts their own confidence level.
5. Teach them to stand up for others. Stand up for others who are oppressed by a victim. If they are embarrassed or afraid to talk to an authority about being bullied, advocate for them. When a group of students stand up for each other against a bully, it is only a matter of time before the problem is solved. An atmosphere of positive peer pressure will be maintained, and the bully will either convert or move on.

 Our duty as parents and school officials is two-fold. First, teach students how to deal with a bully. They need to learn these skills as children because they will need them in adulthood. Secondly, teach children the biblical context for this issue so they don’t develop the attitude of a bully. The physical and verbal outcomes are merely products of the heart. “Be ye kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving one another…” should be memorized, explained, and enforced throughout one’s entire childhood.

Back to School

1. Make learning a priority at home. Children live up to the expectations of their parents. If learning seems important to mom and dad, then the children will take it seriously. Children get the message that learning is important when the family’s schedule gives learning a high priority. Don’t let soccer practice prevent studying for the science test. If you have to take the family out of town during school, help your child schedule time to make up her work. Be excited when your elementary student needs to read his homework pages to you. With proper planning, time can be made for activities, and church involvement does not have to become secondary.

2. Enforce bedtime. There is no substitute for a good night’s sleep. Children’s sleep levels affect them cognitively, emotionally, and physically. With enough rest, they can concentrate, they handle stress better, and they have the energy required to function during the school day.

3. Feed them breakfast. A hungry stomach becomes a big distraction when your are supposed to be concentrating in math class. Besides that, a good breakfast gives students the energy they need to meet the mental demands of school.

4. Develop a homework plan. Your schedule may not permit homework to be completed at the same time and in the same place every day, but give some thought to the most effective way to handle homework in your home. Where will your child be able to concentrate the best? For some, studying alone in their room is a recipe for daydreaming. When is the best time to complete school work? Right after school seems great for those who want to “get it over with.” But some kids need to run, play, and exercise out all their stored up energy before more work can be done. What’s vital is that you thoroughly think about these issues and develop a plan. “Rolling with the punches” could be disastrous.

5. Learn how to supervise their progress. Elementary students receive weekly test/quiz folders. Junior high and high school students receive tri-weekly reports. But in addition to that, be in the habit of asking your kids what test is next and how they did on the last one. It will make them feel accountable and motivate them to do their best.

6. Learn the best way to communicate with the teacher. Some teachers prefer email, others like a note in the child’s book bag, while others have schedules that would permit you to approach them after school. Find which way is the best way to initiate contact with the teacher with questions or minor information. From there, you or the teacher can determine if a lengthy parent/teacher conference needs to be scheduled. Remember that good communication helps both the parents and the teacher do their respective jobs.

7. Be informed about what goes on at the school. You can start by reading the handbook. It may not be the most enjoyable piece of literature you have ever read, but knowing the school’s policies may eliminate a lot of potential frustration. Be mindful of school memos and announcements sent by email or paper flyers. Also, remember that school officials post information and calendar events on the school website because they want parents to know about it. And there is no harm in asking a question if you need answers. 

School personnel are not bothered by questions, but they are bothered by problems that could have been avoided with a little more information.

The keys to a smooth school year could be summarized by two words: communication and consistency. Beneficial communication will not only keep you and the teacher informed, it can prevent problems, or at the least, prevent them from getting worse. Consistency is also necessary for study habits to be effective. One week of good study habits will not bring about the results you want. After you develop a plan for homework, studying, and bedtime, stick to it with consistency.

Mix It Up When You Study

If you’ve always believed the best way to learn was to focus on one specific area of study, you may be surprised to find that method is not the best way to learn. As a piano student, my piano teacher would assign me scales, technique exercises, method songs, fun songs, classical songs, and gospel songs to practice all in the same week. The teacher never began a lesson by saying, “Today, we will only be playing classical music” or “We will only practice scales today.” Incorporating a variety of related skills is the key to faster and more effective learning. It’s not only more effective, it’s less boring. It's been said that variety is the spice of life. Variety can go a long way in making your study time more effective.

Study more than one type of problem at a time. Rather than practicing 5 multiplication problems, 5 division problems, and 5 fraction problems separately, try practicing those 15 problems in series of 2-2-2, 2-2-2, then 1-1-1. When studying for a history test, don’t review names, then dates, then geographical terms, etc. Mix it up.

You may be thinking that switching back and forth impairs a child’s focus and ability to master a specific type of problem. But the opposite is true. While moving from one type of problem to another, the brain makes associations and contrasts differing concepts. This takes the learning to a deeper level, and, consequently, makes remembering easier .

Study in different locations. Studying in the bedroom with the door shut may not be the most effective method. The back porch, the dining room, a library, or perhaps even a park bench could be profitable locations. As long as every location is without distractions, the variety will enhance the memory. Editorialist Benedict Carey of the New York Times illustrates this with a 1978 study¹ in which college students reviewed vocabulary words two different ways. One group studied twice in the same room; the second group studied once in the room without windows and again in a room with a view. Interestingly, the students who studied in two different rooms scored better on the test. Throughout the years ensuing, several studies have revealed similar benefits when studying in different locations. The brain seems to recognize elements of the atmosphere surrounding the student, relates the atmosphere to the information learned, providing more associations the brain can process.

To relate how this can help a student’s memory, here’s a non-scientific way of illustrating this. Suppose you are traveling to a relative’s house to give him an important message. To make sure you remember the message accurately, you could write the message several times on the same sheet of paper. Another method could be writing the message once on paper and voice record it once on your smartphone. You just stored the same message twice, but in two different venues. It’s obvious which method make retrieval more reliable. 

Distractions are bad, variety is not. You might even find it beneficial to vary times of study. Variety not only wards off boredom (or frustration), it gives the brain more associations to link to information the student will want to remember.

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1. "Forget What You Know About Good Study Habits", by Benedict Carey, New York Times, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/07/health/views/07mind.html

School Success is in Your Dreams

Do any of the following apply to your children?

• Does your child stay awake more than 15-30 minutes after bedtime?
• Do you have to try to wake them an excessive number of times? 
• Does your child’s teacher report drowsiness in class?
• Does your child have difficulty concentrating and focusing on school work?
• Does your child have depressed moods that seem to be out of the ordinary?
• Does your child have difficulty controlling his emotions and impulses?

If the answer is yes to any of these, the culprit may be a lack of sleep. Nothing can compensate for an inadequate amount of sleep. The proper amount of sleep will vary depending upon the child’s age, daily routine, and lifestyle demand. Examine your child’s school performance and evaluate whether or not they get enough sleep. If you are not sure where to start, consider the suggestions given by the National Sleep Foundation¹.

Memory and attentiveness hinge significantly upon whether or not a student sleeps enough. Perhaps you remember moments when you were a student (or you observed this in your own children), and you dedicated yourself to stay up late and prepare well for a test. The next day, you could not remember a single thing you studied. You knew it masterfully the day before, but the lack of sleep impaired your ability to retain what you learned. We often think that “burning the midnight oil” will make one successful, but if done habitually, it will impair student achievement.

While most parents understand the importance of a good night’s sleep for younger children, high school students often go unsupervised. Perhaps, parents think their teens are big enough to handle it, or they think their teenagers are going to bed – they really are texting their friends or using some other form of electronic media. Interestingly, a study at Brown Hospital and Brown University revealed that high school students’ school performance correlated to their sleep time².

• On average, students who made A’s and B’s were in bed by 10:32pm.
• On average, students who made D’s and F’s did not go to bed until 11:22pm.
• The better a student’s grades, the less he overslept on the weekends.
• Students with shorter night-sleep reported more depressed moods, daytime sleepiness, and problematic sleep behaviors.
• Irregular sleeping schedules resulted in more behavioral problems.

Developing Good Sleep Habits

1.       Be consistent. Once you have determined your child’s bedtime, enforce it consistently. This often inconveniences mom and dad, but it’s worth it in the end. After adjusting to the routine, your child will fall asleep timely, and morning wake up’s will be much easier.

2.       Develop a routine. Children hate going to bed, and avoiding it can get interesting. There is always that “one more thing” they need to do before going to bed. This is when we realize just how creative our children can be. To avoid nightly battles, develop a routine they will adjust to following. Read a story. Brush your teeth. Get a drink. Say your prayers. Hug your dad. Make it whatever you want it to be. Just remember that children thrive on routines.

3.       Avoid media before bedtime. Media of all stimulates the brain. If a sleepy person turns on the TV, he can find himself going to bed several hours later than he thought he would. Why? Media is addictive. And when you walk away from media, it hardly leaves your mind for a long time. Some have recommended that children stay away from media at least an hour before bedtime. An exception for some might be listening to calming music. Media, however, that involves visual stimulation (i.e. television, computer, smartphone) makes falling asleep much more difficult.

4.       Avoid foods that cause insomnia. Foods high in sugar and caffeine work against you. I realize some recent studies tell us that sugar does not cause temporary hyperactivity, but you will never convince an elementary teacher.

I realize, like the researchers, that the correlation between sleep and school success involves more than sole sleeping time. Students with good sleeping habits are typically all-around more disciplined people. Their study habits probably outshine their less disciplined classmates, not just their sleep habits. Nevertheless, good sleep habits equip a child to cultivate other disciplined habits. Don’t expect them to be disciplined in other areas of life when their lack of sleep robs them of the energy, mood, and focus to succeed.

Permit me to offer two Scripture passages that can be applied to the subject of sleep. First, Proverbs 3:21-24 offers insight for obtaining a good night sleep. Read wisdom – the Word of God. The promise given is that “When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet.” When you, or your children, can’t escape thoughts of worry or stress that leave you sleepless, read the Word.  Secondly, Acts 20:9 tell us of a man named Eutychus who fell asleep during Paul’s sermon and fell from the balcony. Note that there is only one reason he fell asleep (it wasn’t because Paul was boring): He didn’t get enough sleep the night before. If your child falls asleep in class, don’t expect the Apostle Paul to come by and perform a miracle.  Be consistent, be disciplined, and you will notice an improvement.

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1.       http://www.sleepfoundation.org/

2.       http://www.sleepforscience.org/contentmgr/showdetails.php/id/93

Conquering the Spelling Test

I hope the guys who painted this road were not Christian school graduates. In an age of spellcheck-dependent writers, we aim to teach students to know how to spell correctly. Besides the fact that correct spelling identifies an educated person and complements reading skills, poor spelling is downright embarrassing. For some students though, it’s inexplicable. The term frustration doesn’t begin to describe the feelings of some when it comes to taking spelling tests. Here are a few suggestions for conquering the spelling test and becoming an all around good speller.

1. Read. Nothing replaces regular reading as a means to become a good speller. The more you see words, the more natural correct spelling becomes.

2. Study in chunks. If you already struggle with spelling, don’t expect to cram it all in the night before the test. Start studying early in the week, and start with the words you perceive will be the most difficult. Don’t study too long; that can have adverse effects. That’s why you need to start studying early in the week, adding new words every day. Remember to review the words you already learned each day.

3. Apply your rules. Do you remember rules like ”i before e except after c, or when sounding like eigh as in neighbor and weigh”? You can find rules you learned in school, plus a lot more on Camilia Sadik’s website http://spellingrules.com/home.html.

4. Practice the test. You may think you are ready for the test, but taking a practice test is the only way to be certain. Try to mirror the test as closely as possible. Have a study partner call out the words while you write them. Grade it just like your teacher would grade the test. Just going through the exercise of grading your own practice test can be a beneficial task.

5. Say it before you write it. Some students find it easier to spell the word vocally than to write it. When practicing for the test, verbally spell the word before you write it down. Since your teacher will not approve of you using this method when you are actually taking test, advance to #6.

6. Visualize the word. As your study partner calls out a word, visualize it spelled correctly, then write it down.

7. Use them more often. Pick out the words giving your student the most difficulty, and suggest they use these words in their writing or speech as much as possible. Sometimes, words are difficult to spell because they seem foreign to us, not because they have a tricky spelling.

8. Use silly methods. Mnemonic memory methods can be used for spelling, and the more silly the method, the more likely you will remember it. Pick a tune and sing/spell difficult words. Create acrostics or silly associations. For example, to remember the correct spelling of "apparent", a child is born to two parents (two p’s) and they pay the rent (not rant).

Teaching Children to Handle Dissappointment

Do you remember the Texas mom who tried to hire a hitman in an attempt help her daughter make the cheerleading squad? She decided that the girl competing against her daughter would be too devastated to try out for the squad if the girl’s mother were murdered. I realize this is an extreme case (so extreme two movies were made about the story), but many parents, to a lesser degree, believe their duty requires them to take extreme measures to insure a smooth path for their children. Rather than guide children, many parents try to insulate them.

Insulating children from all disappointment pads their self-esteem to dangerous levels. Two results are likely. First, they will begin to think that the world is something they control. At the least, they will begin to expect life to always turn out according to their predilection. After all, no matter how I perform, someone is going to make me feel good about it. Over indulgence in praise and rewards will condition children to believe that they will always receive something in return. Conversely, that’s not how the real world works. Sometimes, you must do the right thing because it is the right thing to do, not because your will be praised. And in every day of life, you should perform at the top of your game even if you know you are not the best in the world. Children should learn the enjoyment and satisfaction of knowing that they gave it their best.

Secondly, they will fail to learn how to handle disappointments. According to a Kansas State study, anxiety problems among college students rose to 62%. They claim that life for a college student is harder than it was 10 years ago. For me, this begs the question, “Is it really harder, or do they fail to handle stress like students in times past?” Are they accustomed to parents and teachers solving their problems for them? According to the Surgeon General, 1 in 5 children suffer from a diagnosable mental illness. Why are these rates so high? The answer is not short and cannot be reduced to one issue. Nevertheless, it appears the national “state of our emotions” indicates a people having very thin skin.
Consider some principles to apply as we deal with children’s disappointments:

1. The Principle of Consequences. Our children need to learn the law of sowing and reaping, not the expectancy that parents and teachers will insure a perfect outcome. Children must learn that actions have consequences – good and bad. This principle applies to school work, friendships, family relationships, athletics, arts, and spirituality. Some practice with dedication; that’s why they can play the violin well, pitch a killer fastball, or create a beautiful painting. Some procrastinate; that’s why they are always disappointed with their grades, stressed about finishing their assignments, and unable to deliver their best work. Others manage their time well; they are able to fit in school work, family time, and enjoyable activities. Kids need to learn that many of their frustrations are consequences of their actions. If we step in, take over, and eliminate the obstacle for them, we have missed an opportunity to teach them the Principle of Consequences. Rather, steer them in the right direction, helping them learn to change their own behavior. Make sure they never become accustomed to expecting someone else to make their life better for them.
2. The Principle of Encouragement. Flattery and false praise can produce two opposite outcomes. Children will believe they always are great or never are great. The outcome lacks balance. Children who see the ridiculousness of false praise can become paranoid, wondering if they are really good at anything. After all, since mom and dad praise everything they do, they can’t be trusted to offer genuine advice. Children who absorb flattery with eagerness begin to think they are great at everything. Then when mom and dad are no longer around to offer praise, the child is unprepared to deal with the fact that no one else thinks they are great. So what is the alternative to praising children? Encourage them. Bring attention to their good behavior, not just their performance. Rather than praising them for being a beautiful, intelligent, talented kid (don’t be fooled into thinking that they really believe you believe that), encourage them to keep up the good work. They will learn that success is its own reward, finding fulfillment in the success rather than the praise of others.
3. The Principle of Unconditional Love. At times, disappointments result from hard luck. He did the best he could but still lost the spelling bee, got cut from the basketball team, or failed his driver’s education test. Sometimes, kids learn from experience that life isn’t fair. Even when it is fair, fair is not always fun. This is why children need parents who express their unconditional love. Homes should be a place where kids find retreat and acceptance, not unnecessary criticism and unrealistic expectations. Their boyfriend may break up with them, their friends may call them names on the playground, or they may get picked last for tag football teams; but home should be a place where they can count on unconditional love. Even when mom and dad are disappointed with them, their love should never be a question.

Remember that the Heavenly Father’s strategy for teaching children about His love is the example of earthly fathers and mothers. Scripture never tells us of a promise that our Father will eliminate disappointments and remove trouble. There are, however, many Scriptures that teach us to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us. Let’s represent our Heavenly Father well to our children. Eliminating childhood disappointments is impossible , and attempting it is unhealthy. Teach them how to handle disappointment and you have taught them a skill they will use for the rest of their life.